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“There is a story behind every person, don't judge before knowing"

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 Can’t the universe see that I’m lethargic already?

Yes, i am not born without food, i am not the worst.

There are many people out there who are looking for job and is worse off than me…

I just want the torture to stop and just need one chance that’s one shot one kill and stop all competition!

I just needed that luck real bad. After this full year of torture, is it not enough? I had been trying and the schedule is making me lethargic that I didn’t wanna think anymore. I need money.

There is zero opportunity. No light for me. I have been searching in darkness. Please give me a light that i can follow through. That’s all i needed.

It’s always hope and disappointment and hope and disappointment. Do we really have to move backwards when expenses ultimately increase? Why can’t you let me move forward? I need some moment to shine as well. Sigh.

I was a happy person, why did you make me so depressed? Sometimes i had anxiety. Can’t you read my heart or what’s on my mind? 

Why do you always want to put the blame on me when a person doesn’t want chances and the fact that I didn’t cut off one’s road like how i felt right now. I just can’t live a decent and smooth life?

Never felt so lost in life before. Self doubting my own worth, wondering what has gone wrong.

Tremendous stress thinking about the worst because life has not been treating me well.

I had friends telling me… life wouldn’t give you things that you couldn’t handle… but… if life is really like that… why is there so many suicide cases? Clearly those people could not handle the problems they are facing that’s why they chose this path.

Sometimes, i question myself. What have i done wrongly to deserve this, even my faith is not willing to give me a helping hand. I have always tried to be kind, honest, truthful. Devil kept bringing me to his side but where is my God? I’m always on the losing end. When can I be saved? I always pray for you to save me, now i don’t feel your presence.

What is going on? Many temptations pushing me to the devil, i tell myself no. I am not going to do it, because who knows if you want me to go into even worse places. You are still not saving me. This is not just me, what about my 2 innocent kids? Do they deserve this? What have they done to the universe? 

 After 2 years, again.

Firstly, sorry for making some of my friends and even family members got worried about the Instagram post that I’ve made. No, was not thinking of suicide, just very overwhelmed with stress that is not within my control. It was built up since January this year and all the way till now, I’m just thinking when this can be over. Will there be another wave? I really could not take this type of slow torture, so please once and for all, come, then die down and be back to normal. Things have been ‘natural’ recently. It’s just that I couldn’t take it anymore.

Most of you don’t know the full story, I also usually put on a positive side to also make myself positive. Because I believe being happy can make you positive. I am usually a positive person. I think this time round it is just many things that built up that resulted me to become really depressed. I will just blog down what happened to me during this full year, for everyone who is concerned to understand what i’m going through.

First, January, received news that I may be having a pay cut of 50% because company is not doing well. & I was that few chosen ones. I was pregnant. I didn’t take it well. If I accepted the cut, there goes my maternity benefits. Management was saying everyone should know because they kept talking about it, how should we know when it was not so transparent. & how should we know when is the ‘real’ shit time? In that case, why move to new office during November, and still did a grand opening on December? & during grand opening, still came out with a bunch of lies that everything was going positive. At first, i was told because marketing was not giving ROI. I couldn’t accept this result, i rebutted and asked on what basis they have come up with such conclusion? Do you even have report? Angrily, I went to produce the report on marketing’s contribution. & even knowing I was pregnant before the announcement, they still went ahead and decide to cut me. I was really furious. I was prepared to be retrenched on April.

Then, suddenly, February, was told that I do not need to be cut anymore, but there was a change of KPI? Then, I was given a bunch of ridiculously unachievable KPIs. Because of my sensitive situation, I could not simply accept those KPIs, I had to negotiate and the negotiation was tiring. Then suddenly heard another story about marketing department, that it was never performance issue, then why in the first place you tell me it’s about ROI? After negotiating for few weeks, my mood was really bad, I dragged myself to work every day because I had to face people are hypocrites. Sharing that MNCs are very cold-blooded, and SMEs has more warmth but ended up being cold-blooded themselves. Then, come and tell me facts like i already not know like companies doesn’t owe me a living so I cannot have a black face while working. So, how happy do you want me to be when I know that if I lose my job, my career is basically going to be affected by A LOT due to pregnancy. How easy it is to find a job during pregnant? I had many telling me ‘oh, I need that role during your ‘maternity period’. I can’t afford to pay that maternity.’ Then, people are going to lowball me for sure. I had lots of negative thoughts during that period of time, counting down the days to my maternity.

Finally, during April, most people in my company were retrenched. Do i feel happy that i wasn’t the only one? No. My career will still practically be affected more than the times when I was not pregnant. But, since I got this news during January, I was more prepared and ready for this day to come. Discussion of severance package was quite smooth, neither did i know, I have met an old fox who chose not to pay me in full after getting what he gets, like asking me to help him to write bad stuff about people that he is going to sue. So, during May, have to go through fighting for my severance package, where this old fox faked that the company is going to liquidate in front of the MOM officer and kept talking about the liquidation papers that was never there that made the officer ‘encourage’ me to agree to whatever he’s got to offer because they wouldn’t be able to step in if the company liquidates. I had to fight this case being heavily pregnant for a full whole month till I had enough and just accepted a loss of about $600+ in gross salary to end the pain. If not, I really do not know when would the torture stop. Had to fight practically on my own, the MOM officer is just like a reporter/admin officer reporting the case progress. Then this fox kept turning round and round and round to ensure he pay lesser and lesser. Shared with a few friends about my situation and they were like ‘Come on, like $600+ could save the company, why so stingy and harp on it’ He was owning a Porsche that can worth more than my flat FYI. 

Just nice, during the same period, I was diagnosed with GD for my pregnancy, hence had to eat clean, cut carbs, but I tried to stay positive about it and take it that I could lose weight earlier, rather than doing it after giving birth. I was also having flu for the entire pregnancy. Besides, my helper that came during end February was really blur and sotong and slow and made lots of mistakes that I gotta coach A LOT during that period of time to only see tiny improvements, but better than nothing. I had to get angry for things I deemed as common sense. The mistakes had been an eye opener that I feel that my IQ dropped lower while communicating with her. I’m so sorry but it’s really true. That’s the risk you gotta take having a fresh helper.

So the employment drama finally ended on June, and I was ready for giving birth. Baby came out safely on July and that’s fine, just as I thought that everything is coming back smoothly, I suddenly had many body problems e.g swollen eye out of nowhere, kidney stones forming, serious backache that I couldn’t walk normally, all coming during August to October period one at a time.

Then, helper also started to drama during September, talking nonsense to agency, telling them we are ill-treating her even when we brought her go shopping, and brought her to restaurants??? What is she expecting??? Then every few days I had to receive agency’s pressure to ask me faster change helper, and that the helper may run away yada yada. So, we changed helper during end September, I thought everything would be fine because this time was an experienced helper, i thought i could leave everything to her. Until the second day she came, I realised i have put my expectations too high. I still had to coach, minimal but still had to coach, the type of food we eat, I needed to teach her how to cook, how to adapt to our home culture which the previous helper, being with me for 7mths has already adapted to us. My boy was not drinking milk well since September, another thing to stress about and it is still ongoing until this day. I realised I really do not have the energy to restart the whole process of coaching, I broke down. I have went into depression for a short period of time, I feel like my brain is going crazy for a moment and I was crying a lot. I contacted back my ex-helper, asking her why she did that to me, I needed closure. All these while, I had been treating her well (except scoldings), why did I get this? Spouting nonsense behind me? Ended up, a big part of it is due to agency, and we as employer and employee lacked communication at that period of time. She regretted her decisions and claimed she missed working for us, so i asked her back. Feel sorry for my current helper because she had to leave due to my incapabilities during this period of time. If I never had the breakdown, if I still had the mental energy to coach, she would have been with us. She has been great with minimal coaching and she is leaving us soon. Even though she knows she is leaving us, she still continued to do her work well. If only I had the energy. sigh. I really hope she could find a good family to be employed in.

So basically, had all these drama, with health, baby, and helper during August to October. Give me a break… but I was ready to go back to workforce. I want to start during December, my household financials will deplete on Feb 2025, if I don’t go back to work, we will be in deep trouble. What about my 2 kids? So, October, I have started my job search, feeling good about it.

But after 2 weeks of application, did receive some interviews which was great. But rejection is all I faced, and some was really I feel the stupidest reason, assuming I could not adapt to their environment due to being too long in the IT space. Job searching has not been great, I have spent most of my time job searching but I kept seeing the same jobs get reposted, and not much suitable new jobs. It was expected, because it is during year end period. Things got quiet during November, as there was really not much jobs left to apply. I did not want to devalue myself and start again, this was the challenge I had to face being retrenched during pregnancy. I was still looking for a raise, so that some employers who enjoy the process of lowballing people would not pay me lesser than before. As the time gets closer to February, the more stress I got than before. I ask God, is this it? This whole year of torturing and is this still not enough? Why can’t I get a one target one hit type of job? Why do i still need to go through the rejection phase? Have I not faced enough rejection throughout the year? Why does it have to come gradually, when will it finally stop? Can it come once and for all? When can it be smooth sailing again? Honestly, logically, it is normal to face rejection during interviews and it was just a month of applying for jobs. But, the amount of jobs out there is just not much, I kept going through the same jobs, reading the same type of description again and again, i got very very frustrated till I find it freaking tired of reading the same old descriptions. When can this end truly? 1 full year. 1 full year, can you imagined that? 

I even started looking for contingency plans, still refusing to devalue my worth, I went to look for temp, contract roles, and I also got nothing back. Why is this so difficult? I kept asking, why it just seems like there is an energy pushing me towards the evil? I don’t want to lie, I don’t want to fake that I want a job because I like it, I want to be truthful and tell you that I need this job because of livelihood, because I wanted to extend my job searching period, and I’m not going to continue long term. It seems like the energy is pushing me towards tell them, i actually love this job to play out with them later. Why? Is it really wrong to be a person who is just trying to make an honest living? I don’t leech on people. I just want to earn a living by using hardwork. Why is it so difficult? I want to be able to provide for my helper so she can have money for her family, I want to be able to provide for my 2 innocent kids. 

What have I done wrong to deserve all these? For now, I only really just need some freelance or temporary work that could help me extend my job searching period. If you do have anything, please share with me. I’m really worried for February. I’m afraid that the universe is going to really give me another blow, i’m afraid that all will not turn well. If y’all know of anyone who needed any form of  freelance, especially marketing, I am up for it. As for now, I do not want to make a restart in my career, i just want it to continue normally and progressively until the day that I really do not have the choice then i will resort in lying.

Thankful for all the friends who cared, and especially sorry to my mother-in-law who is a little too worried about my post that she asked Sebas to bring me to see doctor. The problem is I don’t even dared to see doctor during my depressed period, not because I’m scared of the diagnosis, it’s because I do not want our household finances to deplete even further due to medical fees. So, after knowing all these, can you help? Are you able to help? All i want is not to borrow money to tide over, all I need is a something that I could work on and earn it for myself. That’s the simplest request for now. This is going to be the biggest issue that I need to solve quickly. & I truly hope this would be the last of it. Come once and for all, stop these slow tortures. I need my smooth life back.

 Thinking of what went wrong.

Why is everything not happening as what i wish?

Sometimes, i will ponder why me? Why everyone else is living better than me?

Tried to find a new job due to the underpaid situation at my current company but to no avail after 10 over interviews.

Struggling with finances and have to tank my husband expenses and husband is still not making more effort to earn more income to cover himself and taking my contribution for granted, and only keep asking more and more.

I feel tired, why am i the one supporting the family? Why can’t you even afford for yourself and your own child?

Why is it so difficult to have chances to earn more income to sustain my family? Every step i walk is a risk. I really hope someone or even God can enlighten me, why is it always so down. Why does my life has no ups, just normal or down? Others are so lucky to experience ups and i got no ups at all. Sigh.

Finally, my baby Frivera is out on 18 May 2020!

Was it planned? - No it wasn’t. Our initial plan was to have a baby at 2021, after I have completed my studies. Now I would still have another semester to go. It’s going to be so stressful as I guess I would also have to settle my house renovation after the circuit breaker ends. Can’t wait to move out soon because my room is so compact with so many things until it is not very pleasant to live in anymore. Plus there are still many underlying problems in my household that made me can’t wait to leave, some people will never understand so no point explaining.

Anyway, back to topic.

First Trimester
It was easy, felt like there was nothing. No morning sickness, no cravings.
Only found out when i was spotting for about 2 weeks. I thought I had an abnormal period, still went drinking, do intensive exercises etc when I didn’t know I had a baby.
When Sebas ask if I might be pregnant, I still confidently told him I do not think so.
Felt baby little movements when she’s about 2mths +

Second Trimester
Tail bone started to have intense pain whenever I try to stand up
No cravings still. Had spotting one time and it scared the hell out of me.
Starting to have more water retention, gained the most weight during this trimester.
I was also getting more and more clumsy, couldn’t stand up properly on my own.

Third Trimester
Started to have weird cravings on food that I would never have craved for before pregnancy, one of them is egg tarts.
Tail bone pain has numbed and reduced.
My placenta aged a little too early, hence was worried that baby would not have enough oxygen as I still would like to have a natural birth instead of inducing, dr told me if my amniotic fluid went too low, I would have no choice but to induce.
Baby always responded when we are watching the Thai drama, Love Destiny. (Trying to be a siambu ah)

Labour
Water started to trickle bit by bit whole day on the 17th and filled pantyliner. Was so worried as my fluids cannot go any lower as it was already at a medium risk level. Then, went to sleep on 18th 1am, woke up at 3am and the water has already filled the whole new pantyliner. Called the emergency hotline as I did not had any contractions, so not sure whether the labour is active, dr asked to go hospital already as she suspected water bag was burst. Since there was no contractions, we rode bike there, I was only 1.5cm dilated at 4am. Waited until around 9+am and dr came in to check, I was 2cm dilated. It was slow, no contractions still. So dr burst my water bag fully and gave me some medicine through IV drips to activate the contractions. I lun until 4cm to get my laughing gas. Soon, it felt like the laughing gas didn’t work already so I asked for the painkiller injection on my thighs. Once I turned to my left and the nurse injected, I had a sudden terrible worsen pain. The painkiller seemed to not work. The nurse asked me to go back into my lying down position and inhale the laughing gas. I was inhaling it like nobody’s business and started to go crazy in the labour ward. Felt that baby is coming out since I already had the reflex jerk feeling to push. Then dr came to deliver the baby. I was so giddy after everything. Sorry to the nurses that I grabbed and Sebas for scratching and pinching his arms that made me feel better. So yes, I did not take epidural.


Total weight gained: 16kg
Baby birth weight: 2.7kg
Delivered at 38Wks + 5 Days

About 8hrs after she was out













This was the day she cried the most because of us being inexperienced. Look at her poor little swollen eyes.













Looking to have a more exciting journey with you, our dear girl!

Writing this because I’m feeling very sad and pissed, it’s been long since I broke down like this. All thanks to the ones who gave birth to me.
I hardly share with anyone around me, even some close friends are still unaware. I’m about 6 mths into pregnancy now, I should be happy. But the ironic thing is I had a major break down 2 times during this pregnancy. & the 2 times are because of my own parents. Own parents affecting their child’s wellbeing, I don’t know who else’s life is like mine.
Throughout this pregnancy, they have never given me anything to the point I feel that why outsiders are treating me even better than my own parents do? I always tell myself, forget it, they are just busy. My aunt bought some tonics for me and grandmother-in-law always offers to boil birdnest and chicken soup for me during this period. What did my parents do? Always boil soups that is too cooling for my pregnancy because they like it, gave me a box of chicken essence because they forgot to gift it to someone else. What’s more? There’s really nothing more from them, they aren’t even happy or excited for me.
Something really irks me is that when I was sharing about the maid I’m going to hire to help me for my confinement period, they tell me that they want me to move out once the baby is out because it will affect their sleep. The moment I hear this, I was overwhelmed. First, you did nothing much and I never even expect much contribution from you guys, now because of your selfishness to get sleep, you want me to move out? Is this even what a grandparent should say?
Immediately, I WAS SO PISSED that I told them, ‘See, ain’t it true? You are treating me like an outsider.’ - we were quarrelling about many things before. & I raised up my unhappiness about their selfishness and them being a grandparent but saying such things. & they were like ‘I thought your house is coming?’ They’ve got it planned. But I’m not going to rush my renovation because of this. I’m just truly and utterly disappointed that this came out of their mouth. & that’s not all. My mum came in to my room to tell me, ‘Never mind, just slowly do your house then. Make it as an excuse to stay here, then i will tell your dad bobian, you have to stay here because your house is not ready yet.’ I really broke down. I still needed an excuse to stay at my parents’ house when all other parents are welcoming their kids home. I can never forgive them, especially seeing their true selves over time. Many many incidents. Once I leave this toxic place, i will never come back again. Just don’t blame me for what I am going to do, it will never be nice.

I have learnt my lesson, and I’m not going to fall into your traps again.
Don’t be fooled by the beautiful facade, all these are just a disguise.
I will never let you guys achieve what you can with me, i will bring down your pride. I’m not like my brother, easily manipulated by you guys.
Now everything is clearer than it will ever be.

Happened to have a good chat with my bro(unrelated) today and talked about people we dislike. I really feel super annoyed with one type of people that I need to really vent it here.
Sometimes, I really think that it’s either I care too much, or some people are just very self-centred to the point where they make friends for the benefit of themselves.

Here goes 2 of my experiences:

I was angry that I thought someone hurt you due to your complaints about that person. So I reprimand the person when the time was right because you said that he hurt you. Then, when he sees you through, you came blaming me and told me I was bullshitting all these while because all you do was lie when I truly want to help you and you use words against me. Plus, you didn’t even defend him when I said or rather ‘accuse’ things about him in the first place. This shows what a hypocrite you are, bitch. You just lose a friend. Sorry to tell you because I’ve also seen you through because of your behaviour. Acting like everyone is bullying you behind their back, attracting attention. When things happened, push the blame on other people to prove yourself that you are so wonderful and angelic. I don’t even get why I am reprimanded for trying to stand up for you. You should be like fucking grateful that people cares for you. Your reaction has betrayed you. I really don’t get why do you even dare to scold me and tell me to get the facts right when I was standing up for you! If you don’t like it; you can just let me know you don’t like it, not twisting your complaints and telling me that I misunderstood your meaning when you didn’t even defend that person. Please make up your fucking mind on what you want before you talk to me. Telling me you ‘FINALLY’ understand my point after I decide to break ties with you after explaining that I WAS ACTUALLY HELPING YOU doesn’t help at all with your fucking reaction. Once is enough. Actually I DID NOT EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN. A normal person should be grateful even if they don’t like it. When you decided to go against me when I was helping you, you made the wrong move. Don’t try to manipulate people like your chess. You may get eaten up.

Second experience, somewhat similar with the first experience is that this person can’t keep their mouth shut and suck it up when things already happened and cannot be changed. When things are not in your favour, instead of blaming people, why not blame yourself doing things last minute. The thing is WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO GET FROM ME after you blame me? Every time I get SUPER ANNOYED when people wants to pick up a quarrel because of their own mistakes. WHEN I ASK YOU ‘WHY? SO WHAT YOU WANT NOW?’ You tell me oh just saying, just telling you don’t be like this and don’t be like that next time. If you don’t even know what you want after picking up a fight, just keep your mouth shut. & you are a male for goodness sake, stop behaving like a girl on PMS. YES I CAN PLEASE YOU NEXT TIME BUT I CAN GET REPRIMANDED BY SOMEONE ELSE ANOTHER TIME JUST BECAUSE I PLEASED YOU. The whole world does not revolve around you. Don’t try to expect an apology from me for your own mistakes. PEOPLE, REALLY, before you pick a fight, THINK whether it is necessary. You look just like a kid throwing tantrums when you can’t get your lollipop. Don’t go on and on complaining and can’t even answer properly when people tries to get a solution from your nonsense to stop you from looking like a fool. You should really take a look at yourself. You are not that perfect, so stop judging others. One thing I really hate is MEANINGLESS ARGUMENTS. If you really think I’m wrong, persuade me that I am. I will gladly apologise if you can tell me a good reason, just don’t fucking throw your tantrums at me. I am not your mother or your partner who can accept all these, I hope you can respect me as a friend. Otherwise, I can gladly remove you from my life because no drama is needed.

Anyway, lastly, I HATE OBVIOUS LIES. If you want to lie, you make sure you fabricate it so well that I don’t even get suspicious of you. If you can’t, then just tell the truth. It could just be as simple as rejecting a meeting. If you don’t feel like going, just say you don’t feel like because... Don’t act busy.